My Spiritual Journey

When God called me back on December 28, 2008, He said in His thundering audible voice in my dream,“As the Father has sent Me, so I am sending you.”As He spoke the message I also saw it written in bold letters.

That night before going to sleep I fervently prayed that if the Lord’s call for me was indeed irrevocable, then He would repeat it clearly. So the Lord spoke very audibly in the dream around 3:00am. He reiterated and confirmed His previous calls years ago, first, when I was 15 and new in the Lord. The second call came when I was in college between 1986 and 1987.

The first call was during a challenge by a visiting missionary in our church. She called for those who wanted to give their lives to serve the Lord. Young and new as I was, the only thing I knew of serving the Lord was to be in full time ministry either as a pastor, a church worker or a missionary. I was scared but I could sense that I had to stand up. I was hesitant thinking that I was too young to be in any ministry; I didn’t even know how to go about it. I was likewise reluctant because I was worried how my family would react. But while resisting the urge to stand up, I could feel I was trembling. Finally, I submitted to what was pushing me or pulling me from the pew to step forward. I did go forward. To my surprise my best friend who was seated in the other side of the pew stood up with me. So there we were- two young girls, aged 15 and 14, stood before the missionary, in the presence of God, and witnessed by the congregation.

I entered college in 1983, two years after I received the Lord Yeshua (Jesus) in my life. I didn’t make good spiritually during the first two years of my life in the campus. On my third year I recommitted myself to the Lord and served Him through campus ministry. It was during my active involvement in reaching out my fellow students with the Lord’s love that I received His second call, this time, in a dream.

In my dream I was in our room looking out of the window when suddenly the sky turned immensely brighter than it already was. Then I saw the big hand of God coming from behind the mountain. The robe around His hand was immaculately white and shining. I called my roommates to show them what I was seeing. But my roommates didn’t see anything. I was the only one who saw the hand of the Lord which beckoned to me three times before it was gone and everything in the sky returned to normal. Then I said to myself, “So it’s me whom the Lord God was calling.” Then I woke up feeling so much joy in my heart.

A year before graduation I had another dream which I knew was a confirmation of the Lord’s call for me. I saw a very huge statue which I knew in the dream was of Baal. The statue went up as high as the sky and in its hugeness the surrounding was enveloped with darkness and everybody panicked. Then I heard the still small voice of the Lord telling me to get a match, light it and hold it close to the statue. So I did. As the very tiny matchstick burned, the statue began to dissolve till it totally dissipated like a smoke. Then the sky was clear and all darkness dispelled.

I was eager to serve the Lord so after graduation I worked full time in the Administrative Office of our campus ministry located in another city. But Feeling discontent knowing it was not my place, I left after one semester and went home. I came to Manila in 1989 still wondering what kind of ministry the Lord wanted me to do. I joined my schoolmates in the Church which was an outreach of those who came ahead of us from the university.

I found a job and worked for two years. But the burden to serve the Lord never left me. I always had the feeling that the Lord wanted me to do something else and wanted me to work for Him alone. When an opportunity to work full time for the Church came, I eagerly took it, thinking it was how I would fulfill the Lord’s call for me. But instead of finding fulfillment I met the worst controversy of my life which gave me much heartaches and headaches. I got burned out and quit. I told the Lord I would take a rest from any ministry. I stopped all involvement in all Church ministries save for occasional activities. I went back to work and was blessed in my job.

I was blessed in my career which eventually buried my burden to serve God. I call those times as moments of backsliding, though I had never forgotten that I am a Christian. I still went to church regularly but the passion and the love for the Lord subsided till I could no longer feel them in my heart. The sense of right and wrong never left me though, but I had no strength to resist the wrong choices I made in my life. I knew I was lost. I lost myself and my sense of direction, yet instead of calling unto the Lord I tried to make things right by myself. I thought of going for my career and succeed there so I studied to become a lawyer. But even as I was doing well with my studies, I was restless. At the back of my mind I knew it was not what I was created for.

I quit my job to go full time with my studies as coping with both work and school was draining me physically and mentally. But I got married instead of just going for my studies. Then my life made another turn after one year especially when my son was born in 2000.

My pregnancy got in the way of my studies so I didn’t enroll for another year. But what was intended as temporary rest from school became permanent when my husband had to travel most of the time as his work required. Meanwhile, I became glued to my family which drew me farther away from fulfilling the call of the Lord for my life. My personal relationship with Him was strained further because I was so focused with my family that the very little time I once gave Him was totally gone. The empty life without the Lord went for years till my marriage went in shambles. The worst began in 2004 after my second child was born.

The Lord has always been good that even during those times of wandering He showed me things I needed to see in the spirit. After my daughter was born and before I faced the nightmares I’ve had in my marriage, He gave me a dream, though I did not understand the meaning of the dream then; that I was about to enter the most trying moment of my life. When my struggle became intense I started longing to hear God once again. The moments of pain and sorrow lasted long and heaven seemed closed that I could not get the help I so needed. As the battle raged the desire to connect with my Savior likewise intensified that finally the Lord responded. It was in September of 2008 that He sent an elderly lady missionary who helped me get back on the right path. She told me after hearing my story, that the call of the Lord is irrevocable. That was enough to let me see a flicker of hope and I held on to that hope. For a month she ministered to me closely, visiting me, talking to me and helping me sort out my heart and mind. Then she left for America to join her children who had petitioned her.

I was left still struggling but progressing though with so many setbacks. But the Lord in His goodness sent another sister who became my confidante and my intercessor during my struggles. She always listened to me and prayed for me. She saw the depth of my troubles and the pain that I was going through. She was with me in Vietnam when in the natural it would have been impossible because she had no experience with the work that we did there. I could only say that the Lord made it possible for her to go with me for He knew that I needed her.

In December 2008 my husband and children went to the province for the Christmas break. I was left alone because my work did not permit me to have a break then. But I loved the opportunity that enabled me to spend time with God in prayer. It was one of those nights that I sought Him earnestly to show me if indeed He didn’t revoke His call for me; and that He’s still willing to give me another chance. His answer came in an audible voice which woke me up at 3:00 am, as I have related above. I woke up full of new life and vigor, yet my troubles were still looming, very real and very painful. I wondered how the Lord would lead me to fulfill His purpose for me amidst the darkness in my life. I couldn’t see how, but I kept hoping and praying. The Lord is ever faithful and able. He is also very patient. He knew it was not going to be easy with me. He had to deal with me to heal me and make me fit for the task He has for me. His dealing was not easy. He searched and exposed my heart, illuminated even the deepest recesses of my soul. Every wound was scraped painfully- pride, bitterness, unforgiveness, anger, rebellion, stubbornness and every kind of toxic emotion He removed piece by piece by piece over a period of time. He humbled me in the process. He had me see who I really was; that I was nothing but a headache to Him until I fully surrendered and let Him have His way in me.

When I said I was giving up everything to Him 100 percent, I was scared. I didn’t know if that was indeed possible for me to give up all of me and everything about me. I was scared if indeed I knew what I was giving up to Him. I was scared if I ever understood what it meant to give up everything to the Lord. It did not come easy. The Lord was patient though; He understood my fears and didn’t push me overnight. He took one piece at a time, making me understand in the process. His Word became literally alive as He led me to the right verses every time I was in doubt or in trouble. He answered my questions with the exact Scriptures and led me through dreams and visions of the night.

In 2009 and particularly after the Lord came to me and blessed me in Vietnam (posted under “Dreams and Visions”), dreams occurred very frequently. They were personal revelations, warnings, and messages of hope which truly helped me through the process of my healing. But the foremost dreams were of spiritual warfare, God showing me what was going on in the spirit. God was exposing what the devil was doing and how he strongly fought to keep me in bondage. Along with the dreams He led me through His Word, confirming the messages in the dreams and giving me weapons to fight the enemy. The spiritual warfare nature of the dreams lasted towards almost the end of 2010 until one night a new door opened for me. In the dream the Lord anointed me afresh that when I woke up I still felt the anointing all over. I knew instantly that my life would take a new course, that I was headed for a new direction in His hand. True enough changes took place within me in 2011.

The last of the bitterness in my heart was exposed by the Lord in a very vivid dream in April 2011. It was very real that when I woke up I let out a very bitter cry unto the Lord as in the dream. I least expected it and never imagined that it was there buried deep in my heart. The incident actually took place more than a decade ago, but after the dream, it seemed to happen only that moment. Letting go and truly forgiving and forgetting was very difficult that the heaviness in my heart lasted a week. Praise God, He let me face it and deal with it once and for all.

The change is from the inside out. The problems didn’t all go but the Lord placed me above my situation. He has taken the pain, the struggles and the burden from my heart. Now I am completely healed and whole again without the trace of bitterness, pain or sorrow. And as He healed and restored me He also anointed me and blessed me with rich spiritual blessings. He gave me discernment and prophetic revelations. He showed me the nature of my calling. He blessed me with new friends, connected me with brothers and sisters who passionately love Him. He gave me a new ministry and showed me great and wonderful things in the spirit. He let me take a glimpse of my future in my personal life and ministry. He is leading me each day to fulfill the purpose for which He created me.

Love in Yeshua,

Cynthia