This article is different from all the rest I have written because this is not about anything that the Lord is showing me prophetically. This is about my heart’s desire, my daily burden- the burden to know my God and King more and more deeply; the burden to please only Him and to glorify Him regardless of anything; and the burden to be the best that I can be in Him and for Him, for the glory of His name!
I am writing this down to share what my heart is so preoccupied with every single day. I pray that everyone reading this will be blessed. I believe that every true child of God can say amen to what I am sharing here.
Another reason I bare my heart is to make it clear that what I write in this blog is from my heart as the Lord puts the burden and guides me so that only what the Father wants written shall be written; for I am not seeking praise from men but Him alone. Only the Father’s affirmation really matters.
From the time I open my eyes in the morning till the moment I sleep at night, nothing fills my thoughts more than the thoughts of Him. This is not to say I don’t move about normally for I am perfectly normal, doing my chores regularly, taking care of my children and interacting with all house members as any normal person does. But when I am not talking to anyone, not reading or writing my thoughts again rest on the Lord even while doing something with my hands. My heart often speaks to Him and longs for Him. My heart aches with longing for my God and Father. My heart is restless for my desire for more of Him is so deep. The thirst seems unquenchable that I always long to be alone with Him in prayer and worship.
The fear of the Lord is very real to me. I fear that my heart isn’t pure for that would certainly obscure my vision of Him and block my ears from hearing Him; for according to the Lord, only those with pure heart will see God. I fear that my heart may deceive me as He said that “the heart is deceitful above all, who can understand it?”, thus, I always ask Him to examine my heart. I know that I cannot trust my heart/self so I yield to Him completely and always ask Him to remove anything and everything that He sees may separate me from Him.
I am not perfect and falter from time to time. But sin to me is such a horrible thing that I cannot live with it a minute longer. I do not hide anything from the Lord for I know that there is nothing I can hide from Him. The issues of my heart are ever before Him. My struggles are known to Him. I do not pretend to be alright when I am not. I simply cry out to Him when things look unfair.
I don’t want to be separated from my God. My everyday prayer unto the Lord is that He would draw me deep into His fullness. I know I cannot fully know Him for His infiniteness is beyond human wisdom but that doesn’t deter me from wanting to know Him as much as my finite nature can grasp. So my desire is to be soaked in Him, submerged deep into His heart; and if I should be lost, I want to be lost only in His presence so that when I turn to the right or to the left, I would still find myself in Him.
When I think of my life, where I am now and what I have accomplished so far, I know that I am nothing and have nothing to boast and brag about. I have no accomplishments to display to the world because I was not created for this world. I am not intellectually poor but I have not achieved success in the world’s definition of success for every time I was headed for success, I withdrew and backed down. The reason is one and the same – fear that success would lead me deep into the world and away from God.
This thing has puzzled some of those who have known me, especially my family. I have been misunderstood and many times I tried to give in just to fit in. But every time I gave in, no one would see my struggle and I suffered in silence. This was what happened when I backslid. While everybody thought I was doing well with my career, my inner person suffered deeply. When I gave up my career, people were wondering.
The Lord bound me in Him but this is the kind of bondage that I never want to be freed from. He created me for Him. Even when I was a child and before the Lord revealed Himself to me in a very personal way, I always had the feeling that I was going to serve God. That feeling I believe is the reason I grew up with such goal in mind so that nothing in this world could ever distract me; that despite the backsliding and wandering, the Lord still brought me back to where I should really be in Him and for Him.
Excellence in this world is not my forte; but excellence for my God and for His Kingdom is what I am crying out unto Him every single day. My one desire is my God.
Father, I come to you. Again and again I come to you because my heart is crying out for more of you. My spirit constantly groans. Daily my soul hungers and thirsts with deep longing for you. A glimpse of you is more precious to me than anything in this world.
I love you, Lord, you know I truly do. I know it is you who makes me love you with such love that binds me with you.
My life cannot fully express what you have done to me. You have drawn me close and constantly draw me closer; and the closer you draw me the more I long for you.
As you have drawn me deep into your heart, nothing else matters to me. This world loses all its attraction as your glory enfolds me in all its brightness.
I will forever praise you and worship you, my God and King!
This Psalm by David is one my favorite chapters in the Bible for it expresses the heart of one who is so caught up in the love of God and His awesome, infinite wisdom and omniscience.
139 O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O Lord, thou knowest it altogether.
5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
13 For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.
15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.
19 Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.
20 For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.
21 Do not I hate them, O Lord, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?
22 I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:
24 And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Much love in Yeshua,